faithfulflame | Fifth Prayer: Loss

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Fifth Prayer: Loss

[She'd just checked Usagi's room, and it was empty. Nothing remained of Sailor Moon save for a half-empty bucket of pudding just sitting in the fridge. With a cry of frustration, the normally reserved miko took it out and hurled it at the trash bin, chocolate oozing down the wall. This was just too much. First Ami, then that awful Apep creature taking Sabriel, and now Usagi!

Her friends would need to be told, of course. So, a few minutes later a Voice transmission pops out over the journals. Rei's voice is tight and controlled, but there's definitely an undercurrent of sadness]

I'm sorry to inform everyone that Tsukino Usagi-san has been sent home by the Malnosso.

Please think of her fondly, and wish her luck.

Should anyone wish to make a formal prayer for her, I will be available to help with that, so please contact me via the journal.

[Closing the feed, Rei picks up her journal and heads out to the little tent shrine she, Ami, and Usagi had put together months before, lighting a flame on the brazier with Eferin and preparing several prayer strips of her own for her friend and Sailor Moon. She burns them, and sends her wishes to the other girl, whereever she might be]

Be well, Usagi-chan.

(OOC: Feel free to respond via voice, or find Rei at her little hideaway)

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[ Oh no. This just will not do. It will not do at all. Helios' lets out a small gasp as he watches Rei breakdown. He sees himself in her for a brief startling moment. It hurts to see that considering what it felt like to go through and before he has anytime to think about his actions he'll pull her into a gentle, tentative, cold hug. He doesn't care about his skin or how it'll make her react in that moment. ] I-I understand there's n-no need to, to be ashamed of missing them or-or of crying.

[ He knows that now after everything. He's been through so much himself and he's learned so much from it as well. It hurts to see someone so young go through the same things. No one should have to at that age. ] It's not fair I-I know. It's...not fair at all.

[Rei, for once, doesn't flinch away from a male touch. Its odd, for her, with Helios being so cold, and awkward, and stiff. But its better than nothing. The simple act of human contact, something Rei really had almost no experience with. It was comforting, in a way. His words, she knew, came from experience. Helios had problems of his own.

But here he was, trying to comfort her. That...meant something]

It...it isn't...but...

[ It's odd and awkward and stiff yes. But if it's any measure of comfort for Rei then he can sacrifice such things to be awkward and stiff. He isn't the best at showing physically affections like this, human contact something of an anomaly to him, but in the two years he's been here he's found it to be a very good method of helping people.

His problems, for the moment, were placed on the back burner. ] But it gets better. [ It gets better because it has to. ] It g-gets better b-because there are people here who care a-and want to help and will try as hard as they might t-to help you. It gets better b-because y-you're not alone here a-and you don't have to g-go through it by yourself.

[ Points of wisdom he's gained from these past few days and years here. You don't have to do things alone, only if you wanted to. ]

[Rei listens, nodding quietly to herself as he speaks. Of course he's right. There was still Ami to consider, when she returned. And Sabriel. And...Viral. Even Helios, as comforting as he was, had suffered enough lately. But she doesn't break the hug yet, she can't. The miko sniffs, wiping away tears. At least they are drying a bit]

And...I have people...I-I n-n-eed to help. But U-usa-usagi-chan was someone sp-special. My...first friend. E-ever.

I know. [ He knows because he had someone special here too. Giles was like a brother to him here. Not even a friend but family. Helios looks down at her and gives her another soft, but more reassuring, hug. ]

Who knows maybe she'll come back but I don't think she'd want to see you this upset. A-And I'm sorry that you are. A-After everything that's happened...

[ Everything he perpetuated this month already. ] You didn't deserve this because you're a very sweet girl. [ But sometimes they can't help what happens here especially when it comes down to who goes back and who doesn't. ] But there are people here who-who will listen a-and try to help you if, if you need or want. [ A wry smile. ]

I finally admitted and accepted that quite recently myself. [ It was hard not blocking people out when he remembered what he did. But, gods, he couldn't go through that alone and Rei didn't have to go through this alone either. ]

[Rei actually clings back, glad for the comforting words. This...was something she hadn't ever really had in an older but not grandfatherly person since her mother had died. Helios is triggering all sorts of weird, long forgotten feelings. Yes, she's pretty crushed about Usagi, but this is something even stranger than disappointment and bitter sadness. Yes, the connection to Usagi was more than friends too. It was a sisterly love, and a devotion that transcended time. She was the princess, and Rei was one of her royal guard.

His last statement hits her particularly hard. Of course he had. With...Apep. IT was a miracle he was even able to talk to her, and that she knew. With a sniff, she looks up at him and manages to stammer out]

I-I-know. You're...a good man. T-thank y-y-you.

[ It is a miracle that he's even here, true. Normally he'd shut himself away and go into hiding due to shame and the guilt. But, no, he couldn't do that here not with everyone that needed him. He was trying to take it slow and push through it though as best as he knew how. Helios blinks and then steps away his expression sad and dour. Good is anything but what he is. But he's trying to make things better so it's a start, right? He's surprised Rei even accepted his affections. ]

I-I'm sorry about all that. I...I'm sorry for everything. [ He sounds guilty and apologetic especially now with all this. So many compounding things on top of each other. ]

You didn't deserve this after everything. [ And at the attempt of levity and with a small smile he'll add. ] I, um b-brought you s-some food. I-I know it's p-probably the last thing you'd w-want but, but it's there.

[Rei looks up now, sort of shaking her head, and pulling back out of the hug now]

Food...would probably be good. I-I haven't eaten since I found Usagi-chan's room empty.

[She slides away from Helios and towards a pot warming by the fire, pouring out two cups of steaming water, and mixing in two packets of hot chocolate. Its not ideal, but she offers him one, remembering his sweet tooth. She'd gotten it out of her system, and the warmth of the cup was helpful too. Her nerves were beginning to calm, now that there was someone around who she even moderately respected.

Taking a sip she shakes her head. Her turn, at least, to say something sweet back to him.]

It...it wasn't your fault. I can't blame you for what happened. And I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here...for me.

[ Helios watches her carefully as he finally lets her go and lets her set up the hot chocolate. He'll move to get the plate of cookies Luminair chirping and curling up by Rei's chair, his eyes swirling in a mixture of blues and greens.

Helios pauses when she says that his back turned to her to hide his shock, shame, guilt. He bites his lip almost willing himself to not believe it. Victim him a victim. ] P-people keep t-telling me that. I-I've never had anyone tell me that back home before. It...it was always my f-fault. [ It's hard to accept something that's been so ingrained into a guilty conscious as his is. A shaky sigh as he takes the offered hot coco. ]

I-I'm not sure I believe it y-yet. But-but thank you.

Edited 2012-08-16 22:09 (UTC)

[Rei takes a seat, her face actually blanching. Helios...had been in a similar boat before, she knew that much. But the fact that he was saying something. That meant a lot, though. She knew she could not convince Helios otherwise, but it was worth saying.

One hand reached down and ran along Luminair's back scales, and she nibbled on a cookie]

Well here, I can't think of it as your fault. I...have dealt with possessing spirits back home.

[ Helios takes a shaky deep breath and grips his chest slightly before turning and handing over the plate of cookies. His smile is smaller and a bit tighter as he takes a seat. Luminair will chirp and wag his tail as he does so nudging Rei's hand with his cool snout for her to continue. Scritches would be nice please.

He stiffens and bites his lip gently as he looks into his steaming cup of hot chocolate. ] It...it's not s-something anyone should-should have to d-deal with. I-I'm sorry that...you had to.

[ He's dealt with spirits before too none of them wanting to possess him though. Perhaps Apep's mark was a good reason for that. He looks even more somber as his thoughts trail elsewhere but, then, he stops and takes a cookie. ] I-I made them fresh. I-I hope they came out good. M-My mind is a bit...wandering lately.

[Rei scritches away at the little dragon, paying him as much attention as she can. And she notes the stiffness]

Its...part of a miko's job. If I didn't, then other people would suffer.

[She finishes up her cookie and takes a second]

And...I understand, my mind has not been straight in some time. But these cookies are very good. Thank you. For...more than just the cookies.

Of course. [ He takes small bites out of his own cookies as if not really savoring it as much as he would normally. ]

Luceti makes it hard sometimes to k-keep a level head. [ He bows his head a little. ] You don't have to thank me Rei. It's the least I-I could do for you.

Its proper...to thank a friend. And a teacher.

[She calls out to Eferin now, the brazier igniting further, a roaring fire beginning to burn, all without needing to resort to her spiritual powers]

You...should not be so hard on yourself.

[ He smiles a little at that. ] You're...very much welcome th-then.

[ He watches in awe and amazement. So much power and control in such little time. ] That's amazing Rei you've mastered it so quickly. Ah, but, I-I shouldn't have expected anything less. You are in tune to spirits quite well after all.

[ And here Helios will pause and look a bit taken aback. He knows he shouldn't be and the fact that even this young girl is telling him so only makes it more clearer. ] It's...an old h-habit to break. [ He looks into the fire with bright green eyes. ]

I know it...wasn't my fault. But I...I still can't help it. It-it wasn't me I-I know that. And I...I never knew that he could...could do that to me. [ Helios looks sad and pained as he continues. ] I-I don't know why he never told me that it could. Maybe he d-didn't know himself.

[ And here he'll blink and look back at her with an apologetic look. ] Sorry. I-I came here to h-help you cheer up. Not, not t-talk about my own problems. [ He is doing a very poor job of this, he apologizes. ]

[Rei accept the compliment with a gracious nod, and listens to Helios go on about the horrors that had no doubt been afflicted on him, silently letting him speak. She'll come back to a lot of this momentarily, but for now something's burning in her mind.

Besides helping people is what the Senshi do.]

Who didn't tell you about that spirit?

Ra. Ah. E-mun Ra I mean. He's...he's a dragon god in-in my world. [ Luminair will look up at the word dragon looking around for said mentioned dragon but upon seeing none he'll rest his head back on his two front claws. Helios smiles a little watching the baby dragon with love and care. Ra would probably scoff at the idea of him having a dragon. But they were something of a deeply significant creature to him now. ]

He's the one that k-killed Apep. [ And Helios had accidentally gotten in the way. ]

Truly? And...he bound Apep inside you? Or...something else?

[You've got her very interested now. OK Helios spill]

[ He should have expected it to come to this. It's no lie he hasn't had to say before. But lying about it now seemed wrong and unfair in a way. Let people help him and stand by him Adele had said. He was going to try because...he couldn't do it on his own, not here at least. Helios looks...physically pained when she asks that. His hand balls into a fist as he hears Elise's screams ring through his ears and he can remember the smell of her blood in the air.

He looks away, distant too, for a moment. ] It was...something else. A s-summoning spell of mine went very wrong. And it-it attracted Apep instead of the demon I meant to contact. [ He takes in a shaky unsteady breath of air. ] It was an...accident. I-I didn't, I didn't mean for it to happen like that. And Apep he...

[ he bites his lip and shakes his head. He shouldn't be discussing such things when he was trying to make her feel better. It hurts to even talk about as evident of his pained expression. But the unspoken truth is still there and there's more to the story than just that. He blinks away the quickly forming tears from his eyes. ] He t-took away someone very dear to me.

[ More than that. He took a part of his soul and the one good honest thing he had in his life. She was gone just like that. ]

[Rei listened to his story, the distance between them seeming like a canyon. She could feel the pain and his shaking, and knew that she'd probably asked too much of the poor wizard. At the same time, Helios was answering, and truthfully, which she took as both a sign of trust and of caring. There was very little else she COULD think.

Still, even though this is something unpleasant, she feels a bit better, and she honestly is grateful for the trust. Rei can't help but feel more than a bit of pity for the man. She wants to help people. Thats...part of how she copes with her own problems. Fortune telling, studying ritual, even being a miko. She's alone, and she wants to help and dammit Helios. You are such a derp but you gave her something...a person who she can try and heal.

Her finger slips along Luminair's back, hopefully reassuring the tiny dragon, even as she looks into Helios' eyes. Her words are more confident than before. She's sad, but if she's helping, then that's good for her too!]

Its...ok, Helios-san, let it out. I'm alright now. Together, we can stand this.

[ There is just some faint glimmers of a choked back sob as he tries to keep himself in check. He doesn't want to upset Luminair or Rei and he feels embarrassed to even let this much emotion show. But gods he missed her. Especially now, especially after everything that's happened. She would know what to say and do to make things right. She always did. He missed Elise and whenever he tried to think about her that portion of his soul Apep inhabited throbbed and ached with pain. Even after all those years the pain never leaves and he knows it never will. It makes the loss constant and unrelenting that way. Loss that was once guilt and still is in someways.

He gets his breathing back down to normal again before he responds. ] I-I'm s-sorry, Rei. I-I didn't mean to...to dump all this o-on you.

[ He shakes his head and looks back at Luminiar who has sadness and concern in his posture. The little dragon gives small, low, chirps which are dotted with sadness and concern. He doesn't like seeing Helios like this at all. Helios will sit back in his chair and close his eyes pushing back the tears that strain to come out. No. He will not let that happen. Not right in front of Rei of all people. ] I just. I miss her.

[ More than he can ever convey with words. He brings a shaking hand to his chest and grimaces in pain. ] She-she was...everything t-to me. And I... [ no not him. It was an accident. It wasn't his fault. ] ...he t-took her from me.

[This, at least, she could relate to. Her mother, taken from her at an early age. Her father, leaving her to pursue his career. Loss was familiar, an old wound that she could take strength from, wall up behind, and use as a shield. Rei can empathize with you here.

A hand reaches up, holding a handkerchief, the insignia of her school emblazoned on the corner. Gently, she just wipes a tear away, and sets the cloth down in his hand, lightly pressing until he takes it.]

Who did he take, Helios-san? Its alright. You can tell me.

[ He looks mildly surprised when she does and almost flinches and moves away with the action so close to his face. He's grateful though and grips the cloth in his hands when she gives it to him. He blinks and looks away so much pain in his eyes at this point. It's as if the name he's about to say hurts him more than possibly imaginable. ] Elise.

[ And there it's said and he tries to keep his composure too as he takes a few more deep shaky breaths of air. He bites his lip and looks at anywhere but Rei. His hands are shaking slightly as he remembers everything like it was yesterday. The horror, the screaming, everything. ] She was my...my s-soul mate.

[ And that might make a few things click about Apep and everything that's happened these past few days. He looks so terribly sad and drained. Talking about this always left him like this though. It was so emotionally draining and painful too. ]

[Rei pulls back and listens to the name, and the gravity of his statement. It...all makes sense, now. His quirks, his detachment, his mannerisms. Gods, how could she...what could she say? Her mind reels at the revelation, her face twisting into deep frown. She'd been hurt, and she'd lost, but...to be possessed by the thing that took away her loved one?

And then for her to selfishly drag it out of him? Make him think about it again?]

I-I-I'm sorry. I shouldnt...I shouldn't have asked.

[ Helios looks defeated and above all else tired. So very tired and lonely and in pain. It's quickly bottled up and pushed down beneath the surface again as he shakes his head. ] N-No it, it's f-fine. I-I'm sorry for-for t-talking about such things.

[ It wasn't really fair of him to talk about such a grave and terrible situation to such a young girl who has already been put through enough by him. He hunches in on himself just a bit more. ]

I already p-put you through enough. I'm so sorry. I-I don't know what I was thinking.

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