faithfulflame | Fifth Prayer: Loss

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKdsTKE6Izs

Entry tags:

Fifth Prayer: Loss

[She'd just checked Usagi's room, and it was empty. Nothing remained of Sailor Moon save for a half-empty bucket of pudding just sitting in the fridge. With a cry of frustration, the normally reserved miko took it out and hurled it at the trash bin, chocolate oozing down the wall. This was just too much. First Ami, then that awful Apep creature taking Sabriel, and now Usagi!

Her friends would need to be told, of course. So, a few minutes later a Voice transmission pops out over the journals. Rei's voice is tight and controlled, but there's definitely an undercurrent of sadness]

I'm sorry to inform everyone that Tsukino Usagi-san has been sent home by the Malnosso.

Please think of her fondly, and wish her luck.

Should anyone wish to make a formal prayer for her, I will be available to help with that, so please contact me via the journal.

[Closing the feed, Rei picks up her journal and heads out to the little tent shrine she, Ami, and Usagi had put together months before, lighting a flame on the brazier with Eferin and preparing several prayer strips of her own for her friend and Sailor Moon. She burns them, and sends her wishes to the other girl, whereever she might be]

Be well, Usagi-chan.

(OOC: Feel free to respond via voice, or find Rei at her little hideaway)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ra. Ah. E-mun Ra I mean. He's...he's a dragon god in-in my world. [ Luminair will look up at the word dragon looking around for said mentioned dragon but upon seeing none he'll rest his head back on his two front claws. Helios smiles a little watching the baby dragon with love and care. Ra would probably scoff at the idea of him having a dragon. But they were something of a deeply significant creature to him now. ]

He's the one that k-killed Apep. [ And Helios had accidentally gotten in the way. ]

Truly? And...he bound Apep inside you? Or...something else?

[You've got her very interested now. OK Helios spill]

[ He should have expected it to come to this. It's no lie he hasn't had to say before. But lying about it now seemed wrong and unfair in a way. Let people help him and stand by him Adele had said. He was going to try because...he couldn't do it on his own, not here at least. Helios looks...physically pained when she asks that. His hand balls into a fist as he hears Elise's screams ring through his ears and he can remember the smell of her blood in the air.

He looks away, distant too, for a moment. ] It was...something else. A s-summoning spell of mine went very wrong. And it-it attracted Apep instead of the demon I meant to contact. [ He takes in a shaky unsteady breath of air. ] It was an...accident. I-I didn't, I didn't mean for it to happen like that. And Apep he...

[ he bites his lip and shakes his head. He shouldn't be discussing such things when he was trying to make her feel better. It hurts to even talk about as evident of his pained expression. But the unspoken truth is still there and there's more to the story than just that. He blinks away the quickly forming tears from his eyes. ] He t-took away someone very dear to me.

[ More than that. He took a part of his soul and the one good honest thing he had in his life. She was gone just like that. ]

[Rei listened to his story, the distance between them seeming like a canyon. She could feel the pain and his shaking, and knew that she'd probably asked too much of the poor wizard. At the same time, Helios was answering, and truthfully, which she took as both a sign of trust and of caring. There was very little else she COULD think.

Still, even though this is something unpleasant, she feels a bit better, and she honestly is grateful for the trust. Rei can't help but feel more than a bit of pity for the man. She wants to help people. Thats...part of how she copes with her own problems. Fortune telling, studying ritual, even being a miko. She's alone, and she wants to help and dammit Helios. You are such a derp but you gave her something...a person who she can try and heal.

Her finger slips along Luminair's back, hopefully reassuring the tiny dragon, even as she looks into Helios' eyes. Her words are more confident than before. She's sad, but if she's helping, then that's good for her too!]

Its...ok, Helios-san, let it out. I'm alright now. Together, we can stand this.

[ There is just some faint glimmers of a choked back sob as he tries to keep himself in check. He doesn't want to upset Luminair or Rei and he feels embarrassed to even let this much emotion show. But gods he missed her. Especially now, especially after everything that's happened. She would know what to say and do to make things right. She always did. He missed Elise and whenever he tried to think about her that portion of his soul Apep inhabited throbbed and ached with pain. Even after all those years the pain never leaves and he knows it never will. It makes the loss constant and unrelenting that way. Loss that was once guilt and still is in someways.

He gets his breathing back down to normal again before he responds. ] I-I'm s-sorry, Rei. I-I didn't mean to...to dump all this o-on you.

[ He shakes his head and looks back at Luminiar who has sadness and concern in his posture. The little dragon gives small, low, chirps which are dotted with sadness and concern. He doesn't like seeing Helios like this at all. Helios will sit back in his chair and close his eyes pushing back the tears that strain to come out. No. He will not let that happen. Not right in front of Rei of all people. ] I just. I miss her.

[ More than he can ever convey with words. He brings a shaking hand to his chest and grimaces in pain. ] She-she was...everything t-to me. And I... [ no not him. It was an accident. It wasn't his fault. ] ...he t-took her from me.

[This, at least, she could relate to. Her mother, taken from her at an early age. Her father, leaving her to pursue his career. Loss was familiar, an old wound that she could take strength from, wall up behind, and use as a shield. Rei can empathize with you here.

A hand reaches up, holding a handkerchief, the insignia of her school emblazoned on the corner. Gently, she just wipes a tear away, and sets the cloth down in his hand, lightly pressing until he takes it.]

Who did he take, Helios-san? Its alright. You can tell me.

[ He looks mildly surprised when she does and almost flinches and moves away with the action so close to his face. He's grateful though and grips the cloth in his hands when she gives it to him. He blinks and looks away so much pain in his eyes at this point. It's as if the name he's about to say hurts him more than possibly imaginable. ] Elise.

[ And there it's said and he tries to keep his composure too as he takes a few more deep shaky breaths of air. He bites his lip and looks at anywhere but Rei. His hands are shaking slightly as he remembers everything like it was yesterday. The horror, the screaming, everything. ] She was my...my s-soul mate.

[ And that might make a few things click about Apep and everything that's happened these past few days. He looks so terribly sad and drained. Talking about this always left him like this though. It was so emotionally draining and painful too. ]

[Rei pulls back and listens to the name, and the gravity of his statement. It...all makes sense, now. His quirks, his detachment, his mannerisms. Gods, how could she...what could she say? Her mind reels at the revelation, her face twisting into deep frown. She'd been hurt, and she'd lost, but...to be possessed by the thing that took away her loved one?

And then for her to selfishly drag it out of him? Make him think about it again?]

I-I-I'm sorry. I shouldnt...I shouldn't have asked.

[ Helios looks defeated and above all else tired. So very tired and lonely and in pain. It's quickly bottled up and pushed down beneath the surface again as he shakes his head. ] N-No it, it's f-fine. I-I'm sorry for-for t-talking about such things.

[ It wasn't really fair of him to talk about such a grave and terrible situation to such a young girl who has already been put through enough by him. He hunches in on himself just a bit more. ]

I already p-put you through enough. I'm so sorry. I-I don't know what I was thinking.

[And now its Rei's turn to offer Helios a hug. Its not...warm, but its as affectionate as she can manage. She just sort of wraps her arms around his shoulders, squeezing gently]

You did nothing to me, Helios-san. If...anything, you've helped me.

[ Helios was not expecting that hug, not at all. He goes rather stiff at the hug but then eases a little at the words spoken to him. He doesn't quite understand how he's helped, really, but...well if Rei says so. ]

I-I have? [ He sounds a bit confused but then it dawns on him that his own troubles are taking away from hers and thus leaving her with something else to think about entirely. ] Oh. I-I see. S-Sorry if, if this wasn't the type of h-help you were-were expecting.

[ He'll pull away and look rather ashamed of himself there and then. ] I-I shouldn't have t-told you that. But t-talking has h-helped so. So thank you f-for listening to me. [ He should probably go now shouldn't he? ]

Helios-san. Nobody can bring Usagi-chan back. And nobody but the Malnosso can send me home to help her fight the battles we're to face in the future. But I...appreciate that you talked to me, and that you shared something so personal with me.

[She...almost feels like she should reciprocate, but no...too many people know]

I'm glad...that you told me. I-I think its good to understand your teacher.

I know. And m-maybe one day she-she might come back. I-I don't know what it's like in your world but I-I do know that she's a very lucky girl to-to be surrounded friends like you. And I-I'm sure she misses you just as much. [ As for sharing that he wouldn't normally have. But with everything the last few days boiling up on the inside...he couldn't really help it. It felt better to get it off his chest at least and yet he felt guilty for barraging her with his grim past. He'll just fiddle with the tissue now in his hands. His lips are set in a thin line as he looks at the fire and then back at Rei. ]

I-I shouldn't have. It-it wasn't r-right of me. I'm s-sorry. With, with everything that's happened I. [ And here he'll hunch a little biting his lip as he does so. ] I'm just t-trying to get my-my thoughts t-together. I-I'm sorry that, that you had to see all this.

Helios-san.

[Rei's voice is a bit stern now, her voice tightening as he retreats. She somewhat appreciates his kindness, but resents his backpedaling now]

I've seen things, I'm not just a young girl, you know. You really don't have to worry about letting me see this side of you. It doesn't hurt me, nor offend me.

S-sorry. I-I just...never usually t-talk about it with-with anyone.

[ And he wasn't intending on doing so with Rei tonight either. ] I-I just...never know how p-people will react. Wh-what they'll say. I-I was considered a-a murderer back home for it. It-it was my fault...all of this was because I was s-stupid and c-careless.

[ In his eyes at least this is the truth. A truth that's been beaten and burned into him over the years by the Magic Council and his own brother. It's hard to see the opposite side to such things when people never really showed him it. ] Apep is only a-attached to my soul because I...I let him out into the real world.

[ It was an accident and he never intended for that to happen, true, but it still did and it didn't change anything that happened to Elise or anyone else involved here. ]

[Rei actually bites back her tongue, almost mentioning the Shittenou and Beryl, and their accident. But...its not Helios' place to learn of this. Not yet. If ever]

You...didn't murder anyone. You just...did something you thought was something you could handle. Mistakes happen. In the end, it wasn't you. It was Apep. You are but a man. Apep is a god, and...only a fool discounts the meaning of that word.

It doesn't change the fact that she's gone. [ Or the tremendous guilt he has over it. But having spoken about this to a few others has helped...if only a little. The words come out hollow as he speaks them almost as if he's far too tired to even evoke the emotions they would normally convey so readily and powerfully. He was tired though. Tired of everything, of Apep, of this damnable pain and how his past always seemed to catch up with him. He was far too tired for a man his age and in that small moment it showed. ]

A fool. [ He lets out a mirthless laugh at that. ] I've been called that so many times after she died. I can't h-honestly say they were wrong either. [ He doesn't even sound bitter about it because he's accepted it as a truth for far too long. ]

I meant that to mean that anyone who blames you for being overcome by a god is a fool. A god is a god. They are named so for a reason.

You'd be s-surprised at how many people w-would. [ Not to mention practicing summoning in general. Perhaps he deserved what he got. ]

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid people can be.

They-they had good reason to be angry with me. A-And to say those things... [ His voice is quiet and distant as if remembering those very words. He's not sure if they were right or if they were wrong. At the time though? He felt them to be the truth and it's lingered with him for a rather long time. ] I shouldn't have done what I did. S-so maybe they were right.

Maybe. But you could not have known it would attract such a creature.

I know. But summoning in my world is-it's illegal. I. I shouldn't have been doing it a-at all. And I...I should have been put to death as a result of my actions. But instead they... [ let him live, which is more painful than dying would ever be. ]

They chose to let you live. And serve out penance.

Or. Or to-to suffer f-for what I did. [ He hunches slightly more gripping his hands into fists just a bit more tightly. ] Being sorry is-is a lot harder then being g-gone.

[ Because knowing you can't fix it and living with that, is so much harder than simply being gone and having no more worries left. ]

Fifth Prayer: Loss

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]