[It had been a very divisive issue. It hadn't actually been enough on its own to lead Fenimore to really hate Shirley, as angry as she'd been when she'd learned it, but the reason that tipped her over to hate was very much tied up in their differing views on humans at the time, anyway. And, besides, it would take a lot of explaining when her previous hatred of humans explained it pretty well.
Still, weak though the joke might be, it almost gets Fenimore to smile -- at least, the edges of her lips turn up slightly.]
So am I. ...I owe Shirley a lot. Even if I had managed to get free some other way, if I hadn't met her, I don't know if I would have ever realized that my way of thinking was wrong -- at least, not completely. I still think of her as my best friend, three years since I last saw her. I didn't really tell her how much she means to me while she was here. I just...hoped it was obvious.
[She'd said some of it and had at least been clear about considering her her best friend, but she'd been reluctant to admit just how much she cared for her. And now she only had a few minutes left with Shirley for when she went back to Melfes, thanks to her upcoming death.]
She got rescued, in the end, by Senel and his friends. And by the Ferines who had gathered on the Legacy. And even by some other human country, who didn't want Vaclav -- the leader of those soldiers in red -- to get his hands on an ancient weapon. That's all he wanted, killing and torturing us like that; he was doing it for some weapon for his stupid, petty war!
[She looks furious, and she takes a moment to get herself under control enough to continue. If Rei ever asks, she'll explain how experimenting on Ferines leads to getting a weapon, but she's leaving it out for now -- both because it'd take some more explaining and because, well, it's not exactly a pleasant story given it ends with "a giant canon that is powered by Ferines lives." Legendia is a fun game for happy people.]
Everyone worked together. I helped as much as I could, but...there wasn't really that much I could do when it came to a war. [In some ways this is true, but she did kind of figuratively punch above her weight for what she could do.] But, in the end, Vaclav was dead and his army was defeated. It should have been over. But...
[She clenches her free hand into a fist and, with her other hand, she squeezes Rei's hand more tightly. Her tone has been fairly distant, even dull sometimes, as she's talked about this, like she's telling a story of something that happened to someone else, but she starts sounding more worked up and heated as she continues.]
It doesn't feel like it's over for me, sometimes. I still hate the soldiers that did this to me, and I hate that some of them survived, as prisoners or, worse, the ones who escaped. I...I wish they were dead, and I hate them so much I can't stand it. I can't stand that, even as prisoners, that they aren't all dead. And I'm scared. I'm still scared something like that is going to happen again. I wake up some nights from nightmares that I'm back in the cells, or I'm back in my village when it was burning down around me. And I don't tell people I don't already trust I'm Ferines because I'm scared that there's going to be someone who will think of me the way some of the humans back in my world thought of me. Even when I told you, there was still a part of me that worried that maybe I was wrong, that maybe you'd think less of me for not being human. None of the other Ferines that have been in Luceti ever had any problems like that! Even the ones who had been through the sorts of things I had never felt the need to hide who they were! One or two of them agreed to not talk about it to make me feel better, but none of them had a problem with it! It's just me.
[For a moment, she sounds like she's stopping, but then she starts speaking again, her tone just as emotional.]
And I hate the...the scientists that are doing all of these shifts, because they make me think of the last time I was -- was experimented on. And I'm scared of them, so much that I have trouble even saying their name, as if it'll catch their attention so that I'll get kidnapped, and it'll be like back then.
[It may be a rogue cell of Malnosso doing the mallynaps these days, but Fenimore doesn't entirely trust that. It seems like the Malnosso change leaders and philosophies far too easily for her to believe that those rogue Malnosso won't become the leaders of the organization again.]
And it makes me realize that it's not just the soldiers from back home. That hatred is part of me. I don't like that part of myself, that part that hates people so much that I -- that I want them to die, and that gets so angry and scared and -- I try to ignore it when I can, but it's there. I can feel all those ugly emotions in me like a knot in my chest that isn't going away.
That's why I hate my scars. Because it reminds me of that part of me. And, more than that, it reminds me of memories of that time, and...and some of the things I did to survive that I'm not proud of. And...they make me feel flawed and ugly. When you saw them and felt them...I couldn't ignore them.
...I don't even know what icon should be used here since she goes through so many emotions.
Still, weak though the joke might be, it almost gets Fenimore to smile -- at least, the edges of her lips turn up slightly.]
So am I. ...I owe Shirley a lot. Even if I had managed to get free some other way, if I hadn't met her, I don't know if I would have ever realized that my way of thinking was wrong -- at least, not completely. I still think of her as my best friend, three years since I last saw her. I didn't really tell her how much she means to me while she was here. I just...hoped it was obvious.
[She'd said some of it and had at least been clear about considering her her best friend, but she'd been reluctant to admit just how much she cared for her. And now she only had a few minutes left with Shirley for when she went back to Melfes, thanks to her upcoming death.]
She got rescued, in the end, by Senel and his friends. And by the Ferines who had gathered on the Legacy. And even by some other human country, who didn't want Vaclav -- the leader of those soldiers in red -- to get his hands on an ancient weapon. That's all he wanted, killing and torturing us like that; he was doing it for some weapon for his stupid, petty war!
[She looks furious, and she takes a moment to get herself under control enough to continue. If Rei ever asks, she'll explain how experimenting on Ferines leads to getting a weapon, but she's leaving it out for now -- both because it'd take some more explaining and because, well, it's not exactly a pleasant story given it ends with "a giant canon that is powered by Ferines lives."
Legendia is a fun game for happy people.]Everyone worked together. I helped as much as I could, but...there wasn't really that much I could do when it came to a war. [In some ways this is true, but she did kind of figuratively punch above her weight for what she could do.] But, in the end, Vaclav was dead and his army was defeated. It should have been over. But...
[She clenches her free hand into a fist and, with her other hand, she squeezes Rei's hand more tightly. Her tone has been fairly distant, even dull sometimes, as she's talked about this, like she's telling a story of something that happened to someone else, but she starts sounding more worked up and heated as she continues.]
It doesn't feel like it's over for me, sometimes. I still hate the soldiers that did this to me, and I hate that some of them survived, as prisoners or, worse, the ones who escaped. I...I wish they were dead, and I hate them so much I can't stand it. I can't stand that, even as prisoners, that they aren't all dead. And I'm scared. I'm still scared something like that is going to happen again. I wake up some nights from nightmares that I'm back in the cells, or I'm back in my village when it was burning down around me. And I don't tell people I don't already trust I'm Ferines because I'm scared that there's going to be someone who will think of me the way some of the humans back in my world thought of me. Even when I told you, there was still a part of me that worried that maybe I was wrong, that maybe you'd think less of me for not being human. None of the other Ferines that have been in Luceti ever had any problems like that! Even the ones who had been through the sorts of things I had never felt the need to hide who they were! One or two of them agreed to not talk about it to make me feel better, but none of them had a problem with it! It's just me.
[For a moment, she sounds like she's stopping, but then she starts speaking again, her tone just as emotional.]
And I hate the...the scientists that are doing all of these shifts, because they make me think of the last time I was -- was experimented on. And I'm scared of them, so much that I have trouble even saying their name, as if it'll catch their attention so that I'll get kidnapped, and it'll be like back then.
[It may be a rogue cell of Malnosso doing the mallynaps these days, but Fenimore doesn't entirely trust that. It seems like the Malnosso change leaders and philosophies far too easily for her to believe that those rogue Malnosso won't become the leaders of the organization again.]
And it makes me realize that it's not just the soldiers from back home. That hatred is part of me. I don't like that part of myself, that part that hates people so much that I -- that I want them to die, and that gets so angry and scared and -- I try to ignore it when I can, but it's there. I can feel all those ugly emotions in me like a knot in my chest that isn't going away.
That's why I hate my scars. Because it reminds me of that part of me. And, more than that, it reminds me of memories of that time, and...and some of the things I did to survive that I'm not proud of. And...they make me feel flawed and ugly. When you saw them and felt them...I couldn't ignore them.
[She bows her head, shoulders hunched tensely.]
So...now you know.