faithfulflame | Fourteenth Prayer: A Rekindling. [Video/Action]

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Fourteenth Prayer: A Rekindling. [Video/Action]

[It’s been a while since Rei could even find the time to make a broadcast over the network, and given her encounter with Anakin Skywalker the last time she’d offered to do flame readings she’s not going to be offering that today. Instead, she’s got a question, and now that her leg has gotten back to normal, there’s also a bit of housekeeping to take care of before some very, very important plans happen. As well as some admissions and requests to take care of.

So, early in the day, she addresses the journal with a forced smile, because one the questions is a little embarrassing. Normally she’d probably have just talked to Yukiko and Yu, but the Inaba teenagers have both seemingly departed now…which directly relates to the other subject at hand, in fact. Ami being gone didn’t help, of course.]

Video:

Hello everyone, this is Rei Hino. I’m afraid to say that most of the people helping me tend to Tsukino Shrine have departed Luceti. If there’s anyone who has free time and would be willing to help me maintain it, I would really appreciate the help. Some of the work that needs to be done simply needs more hands to be done. I’d be willing to repay anyone willing to help with things I’m able to make. If you’re interested, please let me know either here at the shrine or through the journal.

And secondly, I was wondering if anyone had some insight on some exercises for getting back a leg into shape after an injury? My leg was hurt badly recently, and I’m still a little shaky at times, enough so that I’m not comfortable with normal physical activity beyond walking. I don’t want to strain myself, but I would like to get back to normal as quickly as possible.

Thank you in advance for any help or advice.

[And then she closes the journal out.]

Action:

[Later in the day, Rei heads out to visit two very specific people. Raine Sage and Fayt Leingod can expect visits. Raine by Sailor Mars, and Fayt by Rei herself.

After that business is taken care of, Rei hits the shops and starts to gather up some things. Clothing, boxes of food, board games, and pastries in addition to food stuff and a bottle of wine. All the things one needs for an evening alone with her special someone.

And by nightfall, Rei’s got Tsukino Shrine all prepared for her promised evening with Fenimore. Some food, a present, futons, and all the things they might need for the next two evenings. Hopefully it will be a peaceful, uninterrupted night!]

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[Fenimore actually chuckles at the second head comment, though there's a timbre to it that suggests that she was in danger of crying. Still, Fenimore doesn't cry easily and she takes enough comfort from Rei that the worst she gets is watery eyes. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she blinks away most of the wetness, though she remains a little shakey.]

I wish it wasn't a part of me.

[She doesn't feel strong or especially beautiful right now. But she does feel loved, and that helps, at least a little. She's still feeling quite down, but her emotions are a little more under control. She tries to immitate Rei's method of pulling up the yukata with a shrug, but, if anything, it sags a little lower on one side. She definitely doesn't have the trick of it.]

I'm sorry I ruined the moment. I wanted it, but....

[This time, the shrug is a much smaller motion, intended for expression rather than trying to move the yukata. She couldn't help it, but she does feel a bit bad even so.]

[Rei nods, a weak smile forming on her lips as she reaches over and gently pulls Fenimore's clothing back into place. Her hand trails up from there to cup her girlfriend's cheek. She's doing her best here, trying to be reassuring. Because she really doesn't want Fenimore feeling down about this. The moment was past, and it can wait. They've got other, more important things to think about now anyway. Like cuddling.]

But it's not the right time. I understand. I want it too, believe me, but there will be other chances. And tonight I learned something about you. So, I think that's important too.

[Fenimore does her best to return the smile, though it's not nearly as bright as it might usually be. Closing her eyes, she rests her cheek against Rei's hand and takes a deep, somewhat shakey breath. By the time she lets it out, she's completely stopped trembling.]

Maybe you're right.

[The maybe is for the learning -- she feels like she should have told her before Rei found out just by seeing the scars -- as she knows that Rei is right about there being other chances. She tells herself that she should give Rei more of an explanation than she has. Maybe not the full story, but at least an outline. But she doesn't want to face that right now. She's too tired, emotionally.

She's not sure what else to say, so, after a moment, she opens her eyes and reaches up to take Rei's hand. Moving it away from her face, she hugs her girlfriend, the movement slow and soft, and rests her head against her shoulder.]

...I love you.

[Because, everything else aside, she wants to make sure that is clear. She might not be able to believe everything Rei's told her, but she does appreciate how much Rei cares for her.]

[For emphasis, Rei nods once more, much more sharply. She understand that, so very completely, and returns the hug with a little smile, gently stroking Fenimore's back while she holds the embrace.]

And I love you too.

[She runs a hand through her girlfriend's hair, more than happy to just sit there for a while and hold her in silence. What else really needs to be said? Now isn't the appropriate time for sharing more of that story. And she didn't really even want to hear it right now. There had been enough negativity, and she knows that whatever had happened it would make her very, very angry. Scars like that didn't come from good people.]

Are you ready to get some rest? And go to the party tomorrow?

[Fenimore nods. Right at the moment, her first reaction to thinking about the party is to not go and just spend the day hiding in the shrine, but she knows that she will feel better enough after a night's rest, especially one with Rei, that she will still want to go.]

Yeah. I'd like that.

[She gives her girlfriend a gentle kiss on the cheek. When she leans back, her smile is a little warmer than it had been, even if it was still small.]

Thanks.

[She doesn't specify exactly what she's thanking Rei for, and she's not sure exactly what it is herself. But she does know that, even if she's still not entirely okay, things could have gone a lot worse, and she's grateful for Rei's part in making sure it didn't go worse.]

[Rei returns the kiss onto Fenimore's opposite cheek and pulls away so she can slide her futon over up next to the other. Reaching for the single large blanket, she'll go ahead and lay down on her side.]

Of course, dear. Now, why don't we get cozy and get some sleep? It'll be a nice day tomorrow.

[~~And then the happy music started playing.~~ Fenimore slips in after her, nestling in close.]

I hope it is. Though even if it isn't, that won't affect the most important part of the day.

[Which is to say, their time in the shrine, since it won't matter if it rains then. Even if it didn't end the way she would have liked, she still is glad they had done so and she hopes that tomorrow night will go well, too. She hesitates for a moment before giving Rei a kiss on the lips, short and soft.]

Good night, love.

[Rei slips her arms around Fenimore under the blanket and returns the kiss with another on the forehead.]

Goodnight to you too, dear. [A beat.] I love you.

I love you, too.

[Fenimore returns the embrace, settling in. She wishes that some of that night had gone differently -- she would have rathered if they could have gone through with it without her freaking out and stopping -- but at least the end was going to go exactly as she'd hoped.]

[There's always tomorrow, Rei thinks silently to herself as she drifts off to sleep...]

[Fenimore thinks that tomorrow begins very well, with waking up entangled with her girlfriend and sharing a slow beginning to the day together. She could stand to have more days start like that.

And then with the beach party she got to see Rei in a swimsuit, which was actually mildly startling. Fenimore's had a chance over her time in Luceti to get used to the swimsuits most people use, even if she still wasn't entirely clear on why it was so much more socially acceptable than walking around in your underwear when a lot of them covered about the same amount of skin. But she's never seen one on someone she's this attracted to and with whom she nearly saw even more of than that the night before. Wow. That's. An experience. A part of her is tempted to just jump Rei right there and then and screw the beach party.

But she knows that, if she did, it would just end up like the previous night, or, at the very least, it would sour the experience. Rei might accept Fenimore scars and all, but Fenimore doesn't accept herself and that is getting in the way. It's not a problem that's going to go away anytime soon -- Fenimore's not sure if it's ever going to completely go away. But Fenimore thinks that if she shares why she feels the way she does, she might be able to open up enough to Rei to be able to show her body to her without feeling disgusted with herself. She hopes, at least. She really hopes. She wants to be able to be with Rei more intimately, for reasons both romantic and selfish.

She waits until they've returned to the shrine after the beach party (which was kind of weird on Fenimore's end with that game and all) and also after Rei has changed out of the swimsuit because that thing is all kinds of distracting. She doesn't wait long after Rei has gotten changed, though, because it would be easy to get caught up in other conversations avoid talking about it.]

Um, Rei. I...I think I should talk to you about last night. Or, um. About the things I didn't tell you last night. If it's an okay time for you.

[She looks both nervous and awkward about it. She doesn't open up about things like this unless she's practically cornered into it, so she's not sure how to start it of her volition.]

[Rei had really, really enjoyed last night, the hugging and sleeping next to one another and everything. And the day had been just as perfect. Hell, even though she wasn't a party person, she'd enjoyed all of it. And she'd sort of...almost half forgotten the awkwardness from last night in the sheer delight of having a second night alone.

Of course, when Fenimore brings it up, Rei's response is immediately to nod and get a bit more serious.]

Yes. Yes, of course it is. Whenever you're ready, dear.

I...don't really know how ready I am. I don't talk about this much. I try not to even think about it, when I can. And the two people I told before -- they already knew most of it, thanks to a shift, so I don't even know where to begin. But if I don't tell you now, I'll probably keep avoiding it, and what happened last night might happen again. ...I don't know if telling you is going to fix that, but...I think it might help, so I want to try.

[She reaches out to take Rei's hand.]

I don't want to keep pushing you away because of something like this. I want to be with you as closely as I can.

[She moves to sit and, still holding Rei's hand, she motions for Rei to sit with her. She tries to not sit immediately next to her, though, leaving a little space between them, with the held hands the only physical connection between them.]

[Rei does sit down with Fenimore, squeezing her hand as reassuringly as she can. She does understand some of that, at least, well...she thinks she does anyway.]

Well, I certainly want to be as close to you as possible too, dear. But I don't want you to feel pressured. You can tell me however much or little as you want, whenever you feel right doing so. If that's tonight, or another night...or never? I'll accept that.

[Her head dips, her hand squeezes again, and she adds.]

But if you want to, I'm all ears. I'll be here beside you either way, though.

[Fenimore manages a sincerely grateful smile, briefly squeezing back. She appreciates the reassurance and support.]

Thank you. There is some of it that I don't know if I'll ever tell you, but...this much, I want to tell you tonight.

[She takes a deep breath and the smile fades, her expression turning a little more serious, but she doesn't look upset. The first part is something she finds much less hard to talk about. It still takes her a moment to find the right words, though, and she initially is looking at their joined hands when she speaks.]

...I've told you that the village I grew up in was isolated. That isolation wasn't an accident, or a coincidence. Ever since the fall of the Kingdom of Terises, all of the Ferines have lived in villages hidden by...it's a little like magic, though I never thought of it like that. We were hiding from humans.

[Now she looks up to meet Rei's eyes. She feels slightly awkward admitting some of it, but it doesn't even register on the list of things that are hard to admit. She wonders whether it will even be a surprise, given how nervous she'd been to admit to being Ferines to Rei and how she hides it from anyone she doesn't trust completely (and doesn't even tell some of the people she does).]

When I was a kid, I believed what the adults told me about humans: that they hated us, and that they would attack us if they ever found us. [She gives a wry half-smile.] I eventually learned that most humans in my world didn't even know we existed and thought that stories of us from the Kingdom of Terises were just legends, but, at the time, it made sense to me and it kept me from going past the barrier without permission. And, for the first fifteen years of my life, I never met one.

[Rei nods along with some of it, her expression soft and sincere. There really isn't much to say on her end of things, because she wants to process the information. She remembers when Fenimore mentioned she wasn't human, and she'd never really thought too much of it. It just wasn't a big deal, because what really mattered wasn't the stuff like that, but as someone who'd been a bit isolated growing up she can sympathize in her own way.

Though, hearing that she was hiding from humans for most of her life was a little odd. What were these humans like, and why hide from them?

It gets her thinking, which begs the question, even if it's somewhat obvious:]

And...then when you were fifteen, you did?

[Fenimore nods.]

There wasn't any warning -- at least, nothing that I could see. It seemed like a normal day at first. Then I heard some kind of commotion, but before I could tell what was going on, there were soldiers in red everywhere. It was an army, more humans than all of the Ferines I had ever met before, and they were attacking the village.

[Her expression is almost blank and she sounds like she's describing something that happened to someone else. It's almost easy to pretend it did, since everything happened so fast at the time.]

They killed anyone who fought back, and anyone who was about to escape. And some people they killed for no reason at all. Everyone else, they captured. ...A few people were away from the village at the time, my sister among them. But I don't think anyone else escaped.

[Now her expression is less blank, though it's only a small change: her lips tighten a little and her eyebrows bunch together slightly.]

I was one of the ones who got captured. One of the soldiers smashed my head against a wall and dropped me on the ground when I was stunned, to deal with me later, so I don't remember much of the attack. When they took us away, they finished burning our village to the ground.

[She looks down, breaking eye contact.]

Back then, I was sure that everything they'd told me about humans was true.

[Rei's expression changes from worry to one of absolute horror. That must have been a horrific experience, and it's no wonder Fenimore seemed to at least distrust humans at first. It's not like she could expect anything less after hearing that, and she's not even sure she could bring herself to forgive such an act. Which, in a way, raises her esteem for Fenimore even more.

She squeezes her girlfriend's hand, remaining silent save for a whisper.]

Spirits...I...I'm so sorry...

[She raises her head just high enough to look up at Rei, acknowledging the squeeze and the whisper. She's not sure what to say in response, but she appreciates it. She tries to convey that appreciation through her gaze, but she's not sure she manages it, since it is mostly lost in her otherwise tense and upset expression. After a moment, she just continues her story.]

They took us far from the village and locked the ones who survived the trip in a dungeon, underground. The soldiers there were...experimenting on Ferines.

[The word "experimenting" is said with great reluctance. That experience is why she always refers to what the Malnosso do as shifts rather than experiments. The ones done by the soldiers in red were done with what were identified as instruments of torture -- much more horrifying than what at least the usual Malnosso do.]

Not that they ever told us. All I knew was that they were taking people from the cells to torture, and no one survived more than a few sessions. There didn't seem to be a reason, but..."because we're Ferines and they're Orerines" -- I didn't think they needed any other reason.

[The words she's quoting come almost automatically -- it was something she'd said and thought many times as she tried to make sense of what was happening. She's only used the word Orerines a couple of times with Rei, back when she'd told her that she wasn't human, having explained then that that was what the Ferines called humans. She lowers her head again, not able to bring herself to look Rei in the eyes as she continues.]

The brave ones -- the ones who tried to escape, or the ones who let themselves be chosen so the soldiers wouldn't take someone else -- they were some of the first ones to die. I wasn't one of them. All I wanted to do was live. Even though there was almost no hope of rescue. Even though I knew that, if they didn't pick me, they would pick someone else. They would pick one of my friends. Even though I could hear what happened to the one they'd choose instead from my cell.

[She shudders. Her cell had been down the hall from the room where the soldiers had conducted the experiments, with only a few other cells between them. She couldn't avoid hearing some of it.]

But I wanted to live, so I kept my head down, and I stayed in the back of my cell, and I was -- lucky.

[The word's said with contempt, as she's not sure she can consider anything about that time lucky.]

So I survived even after I stopped hearing about anyone from my village, and then I still survived until the Ferines they brought in after me were all gone, too. And then I was the only one left, so I couldn't hide any longer. That's where I got the -- scars.

[She couldn't wrap her mind around thinking of them as a mark of triumph. Even if she didn't blame herself for her friends' deaths, not really, she'd kept from drawing the attention of the soldiers even as she knew they could easily choose one of her friends instead and she'd only gotten most of them after she couldn't run away from it any more.]

[A cold feeling comes over Rei when she hears that, and there really isn't much she can say. Her eyes squeeze shut, one hand comes up to her chest, and she bows her head. Her hand squeezes a little more tightly and she shifts, moving a fraction of an inch closer. She has no real way to even parse something that horrific, and it's beyond upsetting to think of Fenimore being cut or burned or whatever it was that these humans did to her.]

And...[Her voice is very small] How did you...escape?

[She takes a deep, uneven breath and lets it out slowly. How she escaped is a much easier tale to tell, which is a little relieving, though she still feels tense and upset from the rest of it, leaving her with a tight headache. She doesn't move any closer herself when she notices Rei start to move closer, but neither does she move away and she grips Rei's hand more tightly in return.]

Not long after I...became the last one [and thus was the one being experimented on] another Ferines was brought to the cell next to me, named Shirley. She rescued me -- Shirley, and her brother, and Walter. If it wasn't for them, I... [She swallows hard.] I nearly didn't make it, anyway. But one of the officers gave Shirley medicine for me.

[She doesn't actually know who administered that medicine when she was unconscious -- it was actually more likely the officer, Stingle, but she doesn't like to think of it like that. There's hatred in her voice as she says "one of the officers." Even though he saved her life by stopping the soldiers from killing her and treating her wounds ("showing off," as the soldiers put it), she hates him just as much as the other soldiers who had no such second thoughts -- maybe more, because he had the means to save the others who did die and he did nothing, even aiding the army that did this to her. She feels that might be worse.]

...I hated her, at first. Her brother, Senel, wasn't really her brother. They were just acting like that when they were in hiding. He was a human, and she was in love with him. A Ferines in love with a human, after everything they had done to us? I was disgusted.

[Her lips twist in what is supposed to be a sardonic smile -- look how that turned out for her -- but she's having trouble managing any form of smile right now, so it just looks off. It's a part of her past she would have usually been reluctant to admit to Rei, at least without a lot of reassurance that this was something she no longer thought at all, but after sharing so much of the grim parts of her past, it's easier for it to just slip out.]

She tried to tell me that he wasn't like the soldiers in red, that humans aren't all the same, but I refused to believe her and I called her a traitor. But even after everything I said and did, when Senel and his friends came to rescue her while we were being transferred, she gave herself up to the soldiers to stop them from catching me again, so that he'd find me instead of her. And instead of immediately going after Shirley like one of his friends suggested, he took the time to rescue me first. And I started to realize that Shirley might be right, after all.

[That, more than anything, draws Rei up short. She doesn't really know how to think of Fenimore as anything other than someone loving and kind. But then, she could completely and totally understand why she might feel that way about Shirley. And about Senel. She doubted she would've thought any different. Well...actually, she's fairly certain she'd have never been able to forgive any human.

It must have been a divisive issue between her and Shirley, and...for Fenimore to come to love her? A human? After that? It spoke volumes about how much either Fenimore had changed...or what kind of impression she'd made on her girlfriend.

She manages a weak smile, and a lame joke follows.]

Well. I...for one am glad you realized that.

[It had been a very divisive issue. It hadn't actually been enough on its own to lead Fenimore to really hate Shirley, as angry as she'd been when she'd learned it, but the reason that tipped her over to hate was very much tied up in their differing views on humans at the time, anyway. And, besides, it would take a lot of explaining when her previous hatred of humans explained it pretty well.

Still, weak though the joke might be, it almost gets Fenimore to smile -- at least, the edges of her lips turn up slightly.]

So am I. ...I owe Shirley a lot. Even if I had managed to get free some other way, if I hadn't met her, I don't know if I would have ever realized that my way of thinking was wrong -- at least, not completely. I still think of her as my best friend, three years since I last saw her. I didn't really tell her how much she means to me while she was here. I just...hoped it was obvious.

[She'd said some of it and had at least been clear about considering her her best friend, but she'd been reluctant to admit just how much she cared for her. And now she only had a few minutes left with Shirley for when she went back to Melfes, thanks to her upcoming death.]

She got rescued, in the end, by Senel and his friends. And by the Ferines who had gathered on the Legacy. And even by some other human country, who didn't want Vaclav -- the leader of those soldiers in red -- to get his hands on an ancient weapon. That's all he wanted, killing and torturing us like that; he was doing it for some weapon for his stupid, petty war!

[She looks furious, and she takes a moment to get herself under control enough to continue. If Rei ever asks, she'll explain how experimenting on Ferines leads to getting a weapon, but she's leaving it out for now -- both because it'd take some more explaining and because, well, it's not exactly a pleasant story given it ends with "a giant canon that is powered by Ferines lives." ~~Legendia is a fun game for happy people.~~]

Everyone worked together. I helped as much as I could, but...there wasn't really that much I could do when it came to a war. [In some ways this is true, but she did kind of figuratively punch above her weight for what she could do.] But, in the end, Vaclav was dead and his army was defeated. It should have been over. But...

[She clenches her free hand into a fist and, with her other hand, she squeezes Rei's hand more tightly. Her tone has been fairly distant, even dull sometimes, as she's talked about this, like she's telling a story of something that happened to someone else, but she starts sounding more worked up and heated as she continues.]

It doesn't feel like it's over for me, sometimes. I still hate the soldiers that did this to me, and I hate that some of them survived, as prisoners or, worse, the ones who escaped. I...I wish they were dead, and I hate them so much I can't stand it. I can't stand that, even as prisoners, that they aren't all dead. And I'm scared. I'm still scared something like that is going to happen again. I wake up some nights from nightmares that I'm back in the cells, or I'm back in my village when it was burning down around me. And I don't tell people I don't already trust I'm Ferines because I'm scared that there's going to be someone who will think of me the way some of the humans back in my world thought of me. Even when I told you, there was still a part of me that worried that maybe I was wrong, that maybe you'd think less of me for not being human. None of the other Ferines that have been in Luceti ever had any problems like that! Even the ones who had been through the sorts of things I had never felt the need to hide who they were! One or two of them agreed to not talk about it to make me feel better, but none of them had a problem with it! It's just me.

[For a moment, she sounds like she's stopping, but then she starts speaking again, her tone just as emotional.]

And I hate the...the scientists that are doing all of these shifts, because they make me think of the last time I was -- was experimented on. And I'm scared of them, so much that I have trouble even saying their name, as if it'll catch their attention so that I'll get kidnapped, and it'll be like back then.

[It may be a rogue cell of Malnosso doing the mallynaps these days, but Fenimore doesn't entirely trust that. It seems like the Malnosso change leaders and philosophies far too easily for her to believe that those rogue Malnosso won't become the leaders of the organization again.]

And it makes me realize that it's not just the soldiers from back home. That hatred is part of me. I don't like that part of myself, that part that hates people so much that I -- that I want them to die, and that gets so angry and scared and -- I try to ignore it when I can, but it's there. I can feel all those ugly emotions in me like a knot in my chest that isn't going away.

That's why I hate my scars. Because it reminds me of that part of me. And, more than that, it reminds me of memories of that time, and...and some of the things I did to survive that I'm not proud of. And...they make me feel flawed and ugly. When you saw them and felt them...I couldn't ignore them.

[She bows her head, shoulders hunched tensely.]

So...now you know.

[Through all of that, Rei remains just as silent, her slightly amused smile fading into something much more serious. She squeezes back, reassuring, and now she finally scoots just a fraction closer, so her shoulder is touching Fenimore’s. She’d rather provide some sense of solidarity. A part of what Fenimore says rings fairly true with Rei as well, with her feelings about men…but Luceti had been a catalyst for change.

And by the sounds of it, it had for her girlfriend too. And that means, at least to her, that it’s a worthwhile place. Yes the experiments are awful…but…]

Well, I know now, yes. And you know that to me, you being a different kind of person is so not even close to making me think less of you. I’m…not even technically human myself, in a lot of ways, so really I just think it makes us a bit closer.. So, you never, ever have to worry about that. With me, or Ami-chan or Minako-chan. I promise that. And I also promise that if the Malnosso send any droids to try and take you away? I’ll fight to protect you. I know it might not sound like much, but I’ve fought off the droids once, when they came for Usagi-chan a long time ago, so it can be done.

[She pauses, letting that sink in. And then, the shoujo speech comes out, Rei’s voice full of conviction and strength.]

And…you know that I really…can’t fault you for hating people. After that. I have some mental scars of my own. But I’m getting over them. Luceti, and being around you and other people has helped me move past that. So, I hope that you’ll let me help you start to at least come to terms with that. Because I love you, I love you so much…and I don’t think you’re anything less than beautiful.

Edited 2014-07-13 05:45 (UTC)

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haha, this is going to be awfully short and I am so sorry.

most of it was unrespondable inner monologue so I was expecting a short tag.

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1/2

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...I don't even know what icon should be used here since she goes through so many emotions.

Re: ...I don't even know what icon should be used here since she goes through so many emotions.